The Requisite End-of-Year Post

 What is there to say about this year that hasn’t already been said?

What can I write that could possibly convey enough to encapsulate this strange, brutal year?

There’s been a lot of anxiety, fear, and disappointment.

For some, there has been loss, sadness, and struggle.

It’s been a hard time to be a parent, weighing every decision and saying no, a lot. 

The election was an ugly time for me. I was judgemental, afraid, and demoralized. I swung back and forth from thinking I was on the right side of things, to wondering if I was one of the crazy ones.

I don’t see 2021 being much better than 2020. I don’t think that, just because the calendar page turns, things are going to be different. At least for the first six months.

I think it will be a year of hope, and tentative steps toward normalcy. 

There is still much to learn from this event, and I hope changes come about because of it.

(Now, I'm going to make a big, honking chocolate cake and eat it in the middle of the day!)

There were some positives too.

Time. More time to reflect (and worry), and to write. There’s been more time spent with family, and enjoying nature. I've spent time with friends in the rain, and in the freezing cold just to be together.

Celebrations. Birthdays, holidays, and milestones celebrated in memorable ways.

                   Gigi:

She’s given us such joy, and taught us patience, and the art of making people feel loved and special. 

Also:

Democracy won

Carbon emissions went down

Racial injustice protests

LBGTQ inclusion

The 1st female vice president!

Trends I tried, and even liked: a hot chocolate bomb, TikTok dances, and wearing yoga pants in public.

Favorite Books:                                                                                                                                    

The 7 ½ Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle by Stuart Turton:

magical realism meets gothic mystery.

The Pull of the Stars by Emma Donoghue: superb writing

Circe by Madeline Miller: all around great read

My Dark Vanessa by Kate Elizabeth Russell: disturbing story of student/teacher relationship that blurs the lines of what is a victim. 

Just Mercy by Bryan Stevenson: how prison systems are intrinsically flawed businesses with no interest in reforming people

TV Shows:

Dark (Netflix): a mind-bending puzzle

The Queen's Gambit (Netflix): who knew chess could be so compelling?

The Spy (Netflix):

Modern Love (Amazon Prime): not the sentimental love stories you expect

What were some of your positives from 2020?
Or, if you need to rant, complain, or whine I'm here for that too!

My 3-layer chocolate cake with chocolate nibs sprinkled on top. 

Shameless Erratic-a

It’s been a while... {Updated}

I didn't know what to write, even though there’s been a lot on my mind.

I read a book on the justice system and how it works against the poor and blacks (not to mention immigrants).

I read a book of sci-fi short stories and wondered a lot about quantum physics and why I just can’t seem to get some of the concepts, even when it’s allegorized for me. Am I missing that part of my brain?

I read an early draft of an adult fantasy novel for a fellow writer and am in awe of her determination to finish it and then follow through. 

There’s a lot to worry about right now... 

And I’m worrying about all of it. 

Americans seem to have a deathwish: healthcare, guns, our lunatic president, and now, showing indifference to or forgetting it’s Covid-19 time. Did you know there are actual Covid parties, where people gather with someone infected??  

My writer’s brain worries that this is the beginning of the end. Not an end to the world, but an end to the most. My writer’s brain wonders: will the virus kill off the older, making way for the younger, the ones who can change the world for the better, at a time when many troubling issues are coming to a head? will state borders close, civil war ensue between states that live strictly but more safely, and those that value freedom over all else (not to mention the underlying political and social reasons that have divided certain states’ sentiments all along). My writer’s brain marvels that it will not be a quick ending, like in the movies, but a long, drawn-out one. 

My mama brain worries about everything it always did, but it now has to worry about the kids getting sick or carrying, about them having enough social contact, and physical distance from those contacts. And of course, going back to school; there’s no good solution to that. 

We were recently self-isolating…

Someone we had contact with tested positive. We had to make calls to people we were hoping to see and worse, people we had seen. Even when two more tests revealed the person was actually negative, we were practically ostracized for the full two-week period. I can’t blame people (I'm freaked out about it too), but it’s a sucky feeling, especially happening to your kids.   

On the other hand, friends were very sweet and generous, offering to grocery shop for us, dropping goodies off and checking in with us.

But this is what life is going to look like from here on out for the foreseeable future. Be prepared to self-isolate. We are all going to come in contact with someone who either feels like they have it, or someone who tests positive, and you’re going to get that phone call too. You'll have to decide if you are going to do the right thing and tell people, or do the easy thing and hide it.

To bring some joy and distraction (complication) into all this…

We finally said yes to getting a dog. Which turns out to be a puppy, because in all the surrounding states, I could not find a “hypoallergenic” rescue. She has certainly been a distraction (and okay, some joy too), but I imagine it’s kind of like deciding to have a baby during wartime; there is an element of hope in the act, but too late, you wonder why you are bringing another life into this mad, mad, world.

Post-Quarantine Journal-June 14th

Did you miss me?

You probably didn't notice there hadn't been a post for a while. That's okay, I understand; it's been nice out, we're allowed to carefully socialize, the pools are open(!) and there's been many more important things in the news to pay attention to. 

I've still been writing. I finished and submitted my short story after much agonizing over revisions. 

I've actually started several posts within the last few weeks. But nothing I wrote seemed to express the restless, uneasy time I was going through.

I wrote one about how I'm not ready for quarantine to end. 

Another on books coming out in May (old news now).

       

Another about quarantine ending before our story has fully played out. 

Where are the lessons learned? Where is the enlightenment we were supposed to reach? Where are the world leaders banding together to enforce the changes we saw were necessary--and possible?

     

And then George Floyd was murdered and protests started and anything I wrote seemed insignificant compared to supporting black people and the systemic racism they live with everyday. I hope the protests continue until something changes or something snaps.   

   

I'm currently reading Just Mercy which I had on reserve since February and had probably been sitting in the library for months before we could finally pick up reserves. Very timely, since it is an account of a lawyer's pursuit of justice, equality and compassion for (the predominantly) black and poor people caught up in the criminal justice system. It's pretty shocking at times and a sad testament to how this country treats its weakest.                                                                                

  

Pandemic Journal May 22: What Part of the Story Are We In?

It's been hard to write lately.
It's hard to concentrate, hard to be creative, hard to keep my butt in the chair and focus.
Before starting a writing project there are questions to keep in mind:
What is the main goal?
How will the characters grow from this?
What is the main crisis of the story?
With our current story, called Covid-19 Pandemic, we don't even know what part of the story we are in.


Are we at the end? The middle? Or, are we still at the beginning?

I think we are still at the beginning of Covid-19 Pandemic, but things are opening.
States are opening for political
and economical reasons. Not for safety reasons. I'm convinced if you were able to get the health director drunk and alone, she would tell you the decision is against her better judgement.
But, the hospitals are waiting and hotels are waiting for patient overflow or recovery.
The wheels of the economy need to start turning again. And we are all getting "quarantine fatigue" (though, we can look back to our ancestors for strength and inspiration--they had to deal with this on a regular basis, and often for a year or two at a stretch!).

If cases rise after opening, we will all be back at home again. It's a faulty plan but one made with consideration of the numbers and not much choice.

Pandemic Journal May 11: Finding a New Groove

We were in a groove there for awhile.
We were doing our own things, then coming together to eat lunch and dinner and to play games or watch a movie or just hang out together. It was actually pretty nice.
That has slowly eroded over the last few weeks went on, and we are watching our own shows on different TVs, going for walks at separate times, talking on the phone with our friends in our closets, even eating at different times.

A beautiful bookstagram post-not mine.

I was on my phone texting and on Instagram way too much. I experimented with Bookstagramming but discovered it is not my thing (you have to have a little Martha Stewart in you to be successful and I DO NOT).
I'd hardly see my teenager throughout the day, if I didn't go into her room to pester her.
We are in the same house but not engaged with one another.

I finished my short story then finished the first round of edits. I had nothing to work on--rather nothing I wanted to work on.
I am trying to get involved with another story needing revision but I am on autopilot, my heart isn't in it.
I feel useless, what is there to do?
Who needs me?
We need a change.   
I need to get my family re-engaged; watch a common show, have movie nights again, play some different games, bake chocolate chip cookies together.

Watch out kids-things are about to get wild!

I need a list (I function so much better with lists).

To-Do List Week of May 11th:                                       

Louis is getting all the love though!

Graduation video for friend
Read short stories for writing group
Critique at least one member's submission
Revise 'The Ruins'
Make muffins
Go through junk pile
Get paint for kitchen
Video for boss retiring
Yoga I  I  I
Cardio/Weights I  I  I
Write blog post

Pandemic Journal May 2nd-Restless

Getting restless now. 

Are you?

I feel like I'm waiting. But, waiting for what? 

I'm waiting for the next call or text from a friend.

I'm waiting for a change. I'm waiting for big news.       

I'm waiting for the next Bookstagram with a fascinating book I want to read but can't because the libraries are closed and the bookstores are taking forever to ship (I don't know about Amazon).

I'm waiting for something to happen.

The Persistence of Memory, 1931

It's hard to sit still. It's hard to finish projects. (I've left this post three times already and the broom sits in the kitchen and a bowl of dry ingredients sits waiting for the wet.)

I'm questioning authorities. Why can't the elderly and compromised stay quarantined and those who aren't go ahead and go about their lives and just be careful?
But then again, what does careful even mean?
There's been just over 1,000 deaths from the virus in Ohio. Thousands more are infected and apparently thousands more don't know they are infected. And these are low numbers compared with many other states and many other countries.

Head Exploding, 1951

So, I'm just going to learn crochet chaining and help out a mask maker. And that's how this post ends.

The Broken Bridge and the Dream, 1945

*Salvador Dali images in honor of the surreal times we are living in (and because any excuse to add Dali to anything is a good thing--more on him later).

Pandemic Journal April 27 Hang in There

How is everyone doing?

I think we've been such good citizens. I am shocked at how obedient most of us have been. We will all deserve a reward after this.
Schools have been officially closed for the rest of the rest of the school year. Graduations have been cancelled after having been postponed.

Our state leaders are warming us up for a boring, cautious summer.

I'm thinking to start shopping now for a blowup pool and Splish n' Splash sprinkler before they are all sold out or on the black market like puzzles and sidewalk chalk.
Our school districts and universities are preparing us for school to look very different come August.

We are tired of this. Tired of being with the same few people 24/7, tired of letting our grocery and essential items list grow until we are forced to go out, tired of being separated from loved ones and tired of yoga pants and sweats (wait, did I say that?)    

We ask ourselves, how long? is this really helping?
I have to trust those in charge (well... discerningly) and those who know more than I do. If our states and countries around the world are insisting we sacrifice our economic well-being, then I have to assume it is for good reason.

We have to stay strong.

We still don't know all there is to know about this virus, we are learning new things all the time.
It's hard to make such drastic adjustments for an enemy you can't see. But watch the local news stories of the virus ripping through families or tearing through elderly care facilities.

The caveat to this post thus far is that I know this is easier for me:
My family is economically sound
I am an introvert
I don't get bored
I am a rule-follower
My worst fears are a zombie apocalypse and a pandemic
For people who are economically distressed, haven't seen The Walking Dead, are living alone, or just need interaction, I realize it's so much harder.

If you are bored and antsy and you want to get out there, I urge you to suit up and volunteer. 
There are so many ways to help: delivering groceries, working with food banks, virtual tutoring, etc. 
If you live in an affluent area, there might still be areas of need, but if not, go outside your area. 
Here are organizations that will match you up with opportunities in your area:
https://www.neighborhoodbridges.org/ (in select areas of the country only)
https://www.allforgood.org/
https://www.idealist.org/en/

Pandemic Journal April 11-Starting to Crack

When I was a little girl I was so scared of monsters hiding under my bed. I would turn the lights out and sail into bed, putting my whole self under the covers in one movement. I waited and waited, the air turning stale and suffocating, but I wasn't sure when it would be safe to come out from under the covers. How long would it be before the monster under the bed forgot about me or went back to where it came from?                                                           
In the first weeks of the quarantine, the situation was surreal because I felt I had been expecting this. I was snug as a bug in a rug in my isolation (well, a bug on constant alert for a footfall coming down upon it).
Now though, it's surreal in the sense that the world has gone quiet, hollow. It seems to have stopped for a monster many of us cannot see.
I wonder what day it is, they go by in a blur.
Do I even exist?
Long text chats and funny quarantine memes used to be sent all throughout the day. Now, it's sometimes days between hearing from my groups.
No one can say yet when the quarantine will end. "Numbers are still coming in," they say. We have to flatten the curve, see how the countries ahead of us in this situation are doing.
We want to wait until the most optimal time, but I can't help thinking that that decision will still be an unpredictable one.

How long do we have to wait until we feel safe enough to come out from under the covers?